Help is a dirty word

Help is a dirty word.

It rarely crosses my lips as an invitation.

I will extend it with no problems, but to accept it is basically unacceptable.

Let me give a bit of background with where I am going with this:

I pretty much try live by the following mantra:

Do not tell anyone your problems. 20% of people don't care and 80% are glad you have them.

I, also, do everything myself so I don't have to worry about it not getting done.

But, unfortunately, I finally hit rock bottom with my stress levels and the lovely recipient of my meltdown was my dear ol' trainer that barely knows me. How nice of me. :)

I joined the TEAM program at my gym at the beginning of January. We are in week 10 of training. 10! That's right - week ten. In my OCD mind, I should already weight 30lbs less. Not really, but at least 10. I feel that is reasonable. I work out 3-4 times a week and I eat pretty well, most of the time. Well, I have lost nothing. Pretty frustrating. When you are choosing to do one thing, it means something else would be suffereing. So, my time at the gym is time away from my kids, my husband, my house that is a mess, and my daughter's school work.

So fast farward to a lovely Tuesday night at the gym with my unsuspecting trainer. (Poor girl - didn't know what she agreed to when I said can we talk instead of working out)

I had motor mouth, talking as fast as my brain could react. I told her all kinds of stuff about me that she probably really didn't want to know. I will, also, point out that I do not tell people anything about me that may paint me in a poor light. (Please revisit above mantra) I told her everything. I figure if I truly want to change my life, my body, my mind set:

I NEED HELP!

Also, if I talked real fast, I wouldn't have time to realize what was happening, get up and bolt out of the building, to never return. (But then I would realize my kids were happily playing in the daycare - Damn! No quick exit!) J

So I stayed. I figure whatever I am doing is obviously not working. I need some outside person to tell me what to do. I need them to be honest with me. Tell me I am delusional. I don't work out as much as I think I do or I eat like poo.

Tell me I am a stressball and need to chill out and quit being a control freak.

So, in the end, I spent an hour venting about a variety of things, hoping to understand what elements my life consisted of that were holding me back. I, also, spent the next couple of days thinking about it. I didn't go back the gym for the rest of the week. I pouted and sulked in the privacy of my own home. 

What I figured out is this:

- Everything in your life cannot be done alone.

- You cannot hold everyone's else's hand and manage all their projects without your projects suffering

- It is OK for my kids to be independent and fail if they are not going to step up to the plate of their own life

- Stress management is a must

- I cannot worry about the past 3 months. They are not coming back, I can only move forward

- Failing to plan is planning to fail

-  My husband will not die if he has to feed himself

- I am worth the time it takes to change and I don't care what everyone else is doing. I am doing this for me.

(and I ♥ my trainer for having the patience to listen to me for 60 minutes babble.)